October 31 – 2020.
October 31 – it reminds me of Red October, and….No.
No, today, the second day of confinement number two, confinement where I go to work five days a week and where all the French people will be on the roads all the time to pick up their children (except for the little ones, school hours are very varied in France) – which promises a nice anything and a quick impossibility to control all that, today is the day of the check point.
I know, a check-point is a place – it’s the place every player dreams of when they’re embedded in games without free saves: getting to the checkpoint and saving the progress.
That’s what it’s all about. Today, I’m ‘saving Altair’s progress’.
Afterwards, you have to admit that when you can’t take it any more and you’re just concentrated to finally reach this damn check-point, it’s because you start to get a little tired, because it’s been hard. That’s how I’ve always reacted. So, well, that’s true, I’m really happy to get to the check-point.
You may have noticed that I’ve been totally out of control these past few weeks.
I had to choose between “Who loves me follows me” and “Stop writing in this personal way, don’t write anything¬hing“. A mutiny without a boat, in short.
I hesitated. I deleted a lot of more personal articles, because I can’t love or hate shows without existing at the same time.
Which led me to think about stopping feeding this site.
Basically Altair is finished – it’s not a suicide option. – so it’s not stupid to stop there.
Since I don’t live on a desert island, and I’ve told absolutely everyone about Altair – I keep getting feedback on this project.
People far away from me give me a lot of encouragement.
People close to me tell me that I will not succeed. Their reasons are serious – and are becoming more serious every day.
My financial capacity to restart the project, in the state it was in March 2020, not only has become nil, but will not be able to improve before … I don’t know when – but I have at least two years to go.
In March 2020, I (we) had been able to commit money to do a demonstration of Extreme Virtuality – it was to test the virtual seats inside juggling objects. I could send Jean, or Leo, or both, to spend two to three months abroad in start-up support programs. I could go to Italy for 5 days to meet European investors.
And I could finance a small business plan.
We were off to a good start.
Then… you know the rest.
It’s the story of a bubble bursting.
It is impossible to raise funds in France for the moment, the people I met are panic-stricken by the epidemic. They are probably right.
So here I am on these last days of October 2020.
The theatres are closed again – for one month, off they say three months (for the theatres).
My team is at the bottom of the abyss at all levels – there is no more work, no more money, no more hopes, no more desires
If I do not take into account the fact that I promised to keep writing, the question of continuing to feed the site still arises legitimately.
What am I expecting to do with it ?
Concretely, nothing more for the moment – and I know that the moment will last a very long time. Even my unconsciousness has its limits.
What do I give ? My time – my mind. A part of my heart, but that’s for free.
To feed this site, for me, it means: looking all day long for what I’m going to talk about, confronting myself with English and doubting every word, and saying to me, every day: Go on. Don’t think about obstacles, don’t look at them like a tidal wave coming at you, just close your eyes and move forward. A kind of bet of faith.
So, you see, I thought about it – I hesitated very, very much – and I chose.
I promised one person to keep writing because of one word and a memory.
Oblivion has not gone by with respect to that memory.
As a consequence, I forced myself to write many, many times.
And here’s the result: I thought I had finished Altair, and I realized that I had just finished the plans.
The more I write, the more I wonder about what this theatre should be, the more I find details that become major.
For several weeks now, I have changed my way of approaching this site: it has become for me a kind of idea laboratory.
I no longer wonder who is going to read it or why. I have given up the constraint: disappear, write neutral words – a professional piece of work.
I eliminated the calm and the measure. I am very bad at “average”, “measured” feelings. It certainly allows me to live more, but I don’t want to live calmly. I will have time to be calm for eternity.
So at my end October check-point I know that :
I’m completely blocked financially for a long, long, long time.
my team is devastated
I don’t have anything concrete to tell them to keep them with me.
I give a lot of time to keep imagining Altair – just for the fun of it.
That’s the negative.
I found – finally! – how to seriously connect the shows and the worlds of video games
I have found ways to integrate e.sport on a regular basis.
I’ve exceeded my moral limit for Virtual Reality – and it’s getting funnier.
I regularly receive very serious invitations to virtual conferences – well, I can’t play afterwards, it ends with: yes, one day I’ll come back – .
That’s the positive.
I’ve given up professional writing altogether, in all conscience – that’s the ? I don’t know.
From a personal point of view :
I don’t want to accept my defeat
I don’t want to break my promise
At least, not at the moment.
So – I will continue the game.
I’m going to see, if by continuing to dig like a moron, I still find things I hadn’t thought of. In any case, my great hours of digging in Terraria are coming back to me more and more often.
At the end of Terraria, you arrive in Hell. The monsters are horrible – the wall of flesh is a visual abomination – and where does this name come from? When I reach the wall of flesh in reality, I tell you, I run away. I know, if we can beat him, we go straight into the legendary. But I’ll never be able to beat something like that!
Did you see that, how I complain with class, whenever I want? Well… I have to say… do you want the complete truth, you who are still here, so far in my text?
All right then. It’s so much easier for me to make a point than to write what I have in my mind right now. It’s because of the English. As I’m without brakes, I’ve considerably revived my desire for my screenplay: Impossible Mission Festival. I’ve made good, good progress. But writing it in English? It’s difficult. Even if I cheat for English, of course. So I confess a real laziness for today. And maybe also for the next days.
Featured Image : the check-point boxes in Crash Bandicoot.