Looking for a cover

If I had to use an image, I would say that I am in a hostile terrain and I can’t recharge my shields anymore. In all games – almost all -, you have to be able to find cover – otherwise, even if you were the best, it shoots at you from all sides and you are dead. In other words: I have overestimated my strength and resistance.
Actually, that’s not true – because I never asked myself if I would have enough strength and resistance.

Since you’re reading this, you’re interested in Altair – so for the first time in my life, I’m going to try to be a little less expeditious in my resolution of the problem, a little more objective.
Normally, when I am alone, I first realize that I have ventured into dangerous territory for me- and more or less quickly I get out of the game. The person I am accusing of stupidity is me – and too bad for me.

In giving up writing very quickly yesterday, because I felt a huge anger coming over me – looking at the title of the old “break the rules” post – I identified what’s wrong with me right now, on my end.

In fact, I’ve known this for years – I’ve known for years that there’s something missing in my brain and I can’t seem to fix it.
My problem is everything I don’t understand.

At first it doesn’t seem like much: it was almost normal not to understand quantum physics – let alone the theory of relativity. It was almost normal not to recover from seeing the Greek “beta”, which enters the formulas but whose value cannot be identified, in very learned physical calculations – to learn without understanding that in all groups of numbers, mathematicians have found the group of imaginary numbers.
I was not adapted to science – I am not alone in this case.

& then I realized my inability to understand in so many different instances in life that, what did you want me to do? – I left.

It was the same lack of understanding that led me to write “break the rules” – in fact, the rules I don’t know – I don’t see – I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why some artworks are in good taste and why others are in bad taste.
I was stupidly left with I like it or I don’t like it.

When I ask for these rules to be explained to me, I understand even less – I am faced with assemblies of words that seem empty.
Why doesn’t the music of games, movies, anime, which I love, lift my soul? What does my soul have to do with it?
Why is it wrong to put literature in video games? Who am I betraying when I want to do this? Others have done it and I found it beautiful.

When I’m in good shape, I tell myself that the people presenting these rules to me are stupid, and I ignore them.
When I start to go down, it’s anger that gets me. Not a little anger, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t want to give in to my angers. They are unfair and far too violent.
When I’m alone and nothing hurts me, like today, I realize that the problem is me and my total inability to understand things that seem so obvious to others.

So I say to myself that Altair is certainly a principle with excellent ideas – but there must also be stupid, incongruous proposals, and I am incapable of seeing them, just as I am incapable of realizing what is good and what is bad, because what I call good and bad is very simplistic. What is good is what brings happiness to others and to myself, what is bad is what brings pain to others and to myself.
With that as a rule, I have no chance to understand all the other rules.

That’s it – that’s my shields that I can’t recharge anymore. I’m losing confidence in myself. Everyone sees the obvious rules, I don’t see them and I crash into them.

If I want to be nice to myself, I say it’s a lack. If I’m not nice to myself, I say the stupid person is me.
And if I want to try to be objective, because you’re here and you were interested in Altair – then I say I’m just exhausted.

When I’m not tired, I don’t care if I’m stupid or smart, it’s not my problem.
It seems that I scare people when I talk to them, and they never talk to me about things that would make me angry.
Except now.
I’ve been a teacher long enough to notice this law – this rule: the pack effect – the students have no mercy for the weakened teacher – it’s the curse.
I think my comrades – the ones I pass – realized that I was tired.
I experience the curse : the “it’s obvious” – the “it’s all a bit rubbish”, the raised eyes, the smiles that are not.
I managed to keep my mouth shut.

Yes – it doesn’t matter if I’m smart or stupid. It’s not my role, I can’t take all the roles. My role in Altair, it’s ultimately very small. I’m looking for things that would appeal to me, to my students, to all those people with whom I share a love of video games, movies and manga and all these new ways of experiencing a story.
I knew it would be a difficult year.
I didn’t think it would start so quickly.

That’s it: I have to remember that my place in Altair is very, very small. If I keep that in mind, then I have a chance to continue, because in a very small place, my person doesn’t matter.

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Featured Image : Star Wars Battlefront – screenshot – EA Games

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