Altair’s progress and future

I know that, especially when you’re a nobody, like me, and you start dreaming of huge things, like Altair, it’s good to show what you’ve got, to get your guts out, to be ultra-badass and virile.

I’m not ultra-badass. Well – I’m not badass at all.
I’m definitely not virile and I never dreamed of being virile – I’m a girl.
Guts are disgusting and they smell horrible.

So there’s no way I’m going to show you my guts – chalk it up to the ultimate girlish coquetry.

You may have noticed that I’m having more and more trouble moving forward and I’m starting to look like my old car, I’m losing pieces of myself on the road and I’m repairing as I can.
And, I’ll say it again: I’m not a badass hero who pulls out his guts.

So here I am, me and this project too high for me called Altair.

I was able to fight for Altair when I was working for a bunch of people who are my friends. I was able to go and find some totally shady people and realize that they were shady – I was able to find some very important people in video game companies – I was able to – almost – have a good business plan. I was able to get back into English – I was able to almost miraculously get a whole week of meetings with real investors. All that is in the past – but I know I can do all that, as long as I don’t do it for myself. The reason is my gut and no, you won’t see it.

I’ve been arguing a lot with my friends – I’ve seen them lose confidence in the future – I saw them again yesterday, for real – it was not a good time. They told me that I’ve changed so much physically. They say I look like a teenager now – finally it’s positive for me.
They’re not even desperate anymore – they’re even further than that.
And I can’t sew up my stomach so well every night.

To take up Altair’s battle again, I need to find in myself the strength to rekindle their confidence, their desire to see the birth of a great and beautiful theatre full of youth.

I don’t have that strength.
So, from a very pragmatic point of view, Altair is dead – I don’t have the strength.

I don’t know if it’s a big deal or not, not having that strength anymore.

The only solution I have left, before I write, in one way or another the final word, before I give in to this more and more pressing temptation to delete the site, my only solution is to create, again, another time, my mental wall between myself and this world that I don’t understand very well.
This means regressing completely into little stories, little music, little things from imaginary worlds – without seriously asking myself if it would be okay for Altair, because I am not in a state to respond seriously – I am in a state to respond emotionally and it is not a good state – .
That means, on the days when I haven’t managed to sew anything up, not to write anything at all – no I don’t want to share with you all the disgusting, vomit-inducing things I have in my guts.
That’s my only way – if I give that up, I know I’m giving up altogether.

Maybe I’ll find again this completely stupid insouciance that allowed me to say to myself: but yes, Altair is The great project, go work girl, you’re going to do this theatre, it’s too good not to exist.

If I find it again, then Altair will be able to go back in earnest.
In the meantime – I’ll stay behind my wall and go through all those stories that helped me love living.

But I know, I know, I’m not a hero who shows his guts.

Alain Bashung / Noir Désir – Volontaire

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29 Thoughts

  1. Oh oh mon belle nièce. You are strong and wise and loving. Am so glad someone said you are looking like a teenager.

    Sometimes it is good to step back and review and renew. If Altair is to be – it will be. If it needs rest so be it. If something new comes up – why not!

    Never stop dreaming. And life being a dream – always dream big. Like in terms of Eternal and Infinite 😊💖🤗

    Love you so much and am so proud of you 💖🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, my sweetest twin is like a teenager who is full of strength, enthusiasm and dare not to jump high, and flap arms to fly around. Only a teenager can have such strong and positive energy.
    So proud of my sister 💕🤗💕

    Altair is a one destination, but there are many more to discover and am sure my smart sister is ready to open the door of amazing achievements, whether it is Altair or something else, you are to shine and that is sure 💖💕💖
    God bless you my dear sister ❤

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Saba ! How to tell you, my sister, the infinite pleasure of reading one of your poems, embroidered especially for this sister from afar that I am? This poem, I keep it very preciously – and do you know what I dream of? That it will be written in all the languages of the world on the walls of Altair, for the love of youth, joy and life, by the most beautiful author, the greatest I know. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  3. You know as well as I that sometimes we are forced to turn off the road or pull over for a spell. Your health and well-being are important and if, for a while, you need to take time out to recharge then do so. I wish you every best wishes for the future, whether that includes Altair or a version of it or something entirely different! Stay strong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, thank you very, very, much – I’m not really putting my health at risk – my morale a little more – I’m pulling out my old weapons: mental isolation… and I should get over it, one way or another. Merci, ami breton si cultivé et lumineux !

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, I am so out of words. I love the way you own being a girl, I really love to see an artist work and succeed and I love it even more if that artist is a girl. I will try to be all wise and quote Einstein, ” a Genius is the one who knows when to stop.” I wish that you get better and come back even stronger. Altair or not, you are an amazing artist, a strong woman, and someone who knows how to live life and you will always be all of this. Cheers to that, cheers to you🌟 I hope you stay happy and at peace with who you are:) take care my friend😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, my new and dear friend, how comforting your words are! I don’t know if I’m an artist at all – I just wanted to try to pass on to others the artists and shows I love – my person isn’t that important in this project.It’s true that I was very shocked by the return to real life, a little crushed because I was certain that I would not be able to give hope to my friendsIt’s true that I was very shocked by the return to real life, a little crushed because I was certain that I would not be able to give hope to my friends. Mostly I wanted to make an honest point with myself and with those who care about Altair. Don’t worry about me, my very, very old weapon of the: wall has always saved me from everything!

      Merci ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know somewhere we have all got our hope through you, the artists and characters you have introduced to us, their stories, the beauty of your words and their music blend in so well in our mind, they have somehow made everything alright. I will always be hopeful that I will see you again, somewhere, introducing us to the world of these legendary creators, who have left behind a legacy for all of us to cherish❤️ I will always remember the music, the stories and the characters that I have discovered through Altair in the little time that I have followed. I will forever be grateful that I came across it. More and more strength and power to you. Stay happy always:)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. ❤ With beautiful words like yours, the big clouds won't be able to stay over my head for long – Altair makes me dream for my friends, for all the kids I see every day and now for you too. If I feel bad because my friends are not doing well (the raw truth is that they are), I will have to remember that there are them – but not only them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you so, so much- I sometimes wonder with envy what I would think if I had been a boy – I find myself horribly weak. Well, I use my little girl’s wiles and dodge the blows of fate… It will get better, yes – thanks to you, because it takes friends to get through the bad times

      Liked by 1 person

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