I know that, especially when you’re a nobody, like me, and you start dreaming of huge things, like Altair, it’s good to show what you’ve got, to get your guts out, to be ultra-badass and virile.
I’m not ultra-badass. Well – I’m not badass at all.
I’m definitely not virile and I never dreamed of being virile – I’m a girl.
Guts are disgusting and they smell horrible.
So there’s no way I’m going to show you my guts – chalk it up to the ultimate girlish coquetry.
You may have noticed that I’m having more and more trouble moving forward and I’m starting to look like my old car, I’m losing pieces of myself on the road and I’m repairing as I can.
And, I’ll say it again: I’m not a badass hero who pulls out his guts.
So here I am, me and this project too high for me called Altair.
I was able to fight for Altair when I was working for a bunch of people who are my friends. I was able to go and find some totally shady people and realize that they were shady – I was able to find some very important people in video game companies – I was able to – almost – have a good business plan. I was able to get back into English – I was able to almost miraculously get a whole week of meetings with real investors. All that is in the past – but I know I can do all that, as long as I don’t do it for myself. The reason is my gut and no, you won’t see it.
I’ve been arguing a lot with my friends – I’ve seen them lose confidence in the future – I saw them again yesterday, for real – it was not a good time. They told me that I’ve changed so much physically. They say I look like a teenager now – finally it’s positive for me.
They’re not even desperate anymore – they’re even further than that.
And I can’t sew up my stomach so well every night.
To take up Altair’s battle again, I need to find in myself the strength to rekindle their confidence, their desire to see the birth of a great and beautiful theatre full of youth.
I don’t have that strength.
So, from a very pragmatic point of view, Altair is dead – I don’t have the strength.
I don’t know if it’s a big deal or not, not having that strength anymore.
The only solution I have left, before I write, in one way or another the final word, before I give in to this more and more pressing temptation to delete the altairtheatre.com site, my only solution is to create, again, another time, my mental wall between myself and this world that I don’t understand very well.
This means regressing completely into little stories, little music, little things from imaginary worlds – without seriously asking myself if it would be okay for Altair, because I am not in a state to respond seriously – I am in a state to respond emotionally and it is not a good state – .
That means, on the days when I haven’t managed to sew anything up, not to write anything at all – no I don’t want to share with you all the disgusting, vomit-inducing things I have in my guts.
That’s my only way – if I give that up, I know I’m giving up altogether.
Maybe I’ll find again this completely stupid insouciance that allowed me to say to myself: but yes, Altair is The great project, go work girl, you’re going to do this theatre, it’s too good not to exist.
If I find it again, then Altair will be able to go back in earnest.
In the meantime – I’ll stay behind my wall and go through all those stories that helped me love living.
But I know, I know, I’m not a hero who shows his guts.